This 1 Reading Hack Will Change Your Life

No particular reason for the Buddha. I just like him a lot. 

Any writer knows that a great headline makes all the difference. You’ve got about two sixteenths of a second to grab someone’s attention, or not. Attention spans are about the size of a gnat brain these days, and just as flighty, so those well-oiled headline hacks are part of the game sometimes. But it’s getting a bit ridiculous out there, folks.

Baity blog post titles give me a twitch, and not a happy kind of twitch. You know the ones. They read something like, “… and You Won’t Believe What Happens Next!” or “ … When I Saw, it My Mouth Fell Open!” And a personal favorite, “ … After Seeing This, My Life was Never the Same!” 

When was the last time anyone’s life actually changed because of a post about rubbing coffee grounds around the eyes, or how different a girl looked wearing makeup, or a recipe for blueberry lemonade? 

For that matter, has anyone’s Mind really been Blown because of a way to keep a doorknob from slamming into a wall? Isn’t that why some genius invented these things about a thousand years ago? 

I fell for all of it at first. Hook, line, and proverbial sinker. It was different. Sometimes it was even clever. And clever is good. But now, the whole thing is pretty much a guarantee that I won’t click. Why? The answer will ASTOUND YOU!

Because the copy never lives up to the title (sorry, not sorry about that).

If my life had ever been changed by any of those life-changing posts, I would be all over it like my crazy dog on my cat’s latest deposit in the litter box. Ew. But it hasn’t. 

She really is smarter than she looks. Except when it comes to the cat box.

Have I seen anything in one of those posts that I thought was interesting? Of course! It really is clever, I think, to fold over the top of a potato chip bag to make it easier to reach into. And now I know that if there’s ever a power outage AND I happen to have a bag of corn chips in the house, I can set them on fire and burn them like adorable little triangular candles. 

Weren’t tips like that usually something Heloise would tell us about? If she wrote a title about a “Mind Blowing Way to ___________” you’re damn right I’d click! But that’s because Heloise has developed a reputation for being straight up, smart, and to the point. She’s genuine. If she told you that you could remove a ketchup stain from your wedding dress using motor oil (Please don’t try that, because she hasn’t. And why are you eating French fries on the way to the church anyhow?), you’d better believe that it would work. 

I guess that’s what’s so bothersome. It’s false advertising. All of it. Click here to have everything that you ever thought you knew about life permanently changed … by a dude who tells you to cut a basketball in half and duct tape it to a wall to prevent the door knob from crashing into it. 

You need a springy door stopper thingy. Now. 

I realize that I sound grumpy. I guess I am. But it really is getting so ridiculous out there. A great headline really is important. Without it, most people won’t even click at all. But if most of the effort is spent on the headline while the copy is as soggy as yesterday’s salad, I’m just not buying it. I’m smarter than that. 

And despite what the people who churn out this crap by the ton want you to believe about yourself, you are smarter than that, too. 

So what's that one reading hack that will change your life? Be skeptical. Always be skeptical. 

XOXO

How to Be a Real Writer -or- Where's My Membership Card?

Years ago, I had a romantic view of real writers. Alas, my life as a writer is nothing like the one I imagined. I meet deadlines to buy groceries. That’s pretty much the long and short of it. So, where is the mysterious life of the real writer I fancied so much? A little birdie told me it exists somewhere, and I’m determined to find it.

Real writers travel to far-off countries, nod knowingly toward fellow intellectuals and sample exotic cuisine. They sit in faded leather chairs beside roaring fireplaces. They puff on pipes while sipping cognac and discuss conceptual topics while practicing foreign languages.

That, friends and neighbors, is the life. Well, maybe not the pipes, but you get the idea.

I have never tasted cognac. I have never been outside the United States. Spending a week at America’s Best Value Inn of Farmington, NM doesn’t qualify me as well-traveled, even if they did offer a continental breakfast. My leather chair is pink. Pink! And it reclines in three different positions (sometimes). 

There is definitely something amiss. 

Did I miss Real Writer Orientation? Did I leave a bad mailing address? Maybe my welcome packet went to the wrong house. I spied the mailman delivering a Rosetta Stone package across the street a few days ago, and I am not amused. My neighbor thought he was slick, but I saw him stuff that pipe into his pocket. I know what he’s up to.

We’ve all seen the classic image. A black turtleneck with a pair of odd-looking spectacles is the epitome of Writer. A glass of red wine and an overflowing ashtray on the table don’t hurt, and neither does listening to obscure music that only a few can appreciate. And there’s always a quiet, stealthy cat.



My "look" consists of a flannel nightgown or a pair of sweat pants and a T-shirt. Maybe that’s part of the problem; I don’t have the official uniform. Legend says ensembles are issued at the annual Secret Society of Real Writers meetings. Invitations are sent by carrier ravens, each one reciting Poe as it disappears into the night after depositing the engraved paper on a lucky recipient’s windowsill. I have yet to receive one. The only deposits on my windowsills are from pigeons. 

Dirty birds.

Maybe changing out of my nightgown would help my chances. Sadly, the tortured, brilliant writer regalia is not available on clearance at Walmart (and their alcoholic beverage selection peaks at Boone’s Farm Tickle-Pink). The fact that I even have a best sweatshirt pretty much wrecks my chance of finding a gilded invitation on my windowsill for the next meeting of the highbrow elite.

In my quest for that elusive Secret Society membership card, I am earning battle scars. I’m not sure how much weight those carry toward acceptance, but maybe they will help pad my resume. At least they show dedication to the cause. Damages include dark circles, eye strain, coffee stains on my best flannel nightgown (I have one of those too), and a calloused pinkie from hitting the delete key repeatedly. 

My eye doctor explained that I need reading glasses. He took three paces backward before saying, “It’s happening younger and younger these days.” I didn’t believe him, but it was a nice effort to preserve my pride and his shin bones. Maybe I’ll get a pair of impressive glasses out of the deal, so it’s not all bad. I wonder if great spectacles make a yellow sweatshirt look introspective and brilliant like those elusive, would-be contemporaries. 

Probably I ought to apply for a passport just in case.

Writing at a computer has not only taken my eyesight; it has abolished my ability to write with a pen. Failed motor skills: Another battle scar, and one I can prove by signing the RSVP if / when my invitation comes. Incidentally, I am the only person I know who rarely needs spellcheck and makes up for it in serial "typos" with a pen and paper. I recently depleted an entire book of checks just to make the car payment. At least I remembered how to write the word VOID by the time I was finished. 

I wonder how VOID sounds in Italian. Impressive, I’ll bet. Even more impressive if I happened to be holding a snifter of cognac.

Try as I may, I can’t seem to get the whole package together. My glasses are ordinary and my fireplace is a kerosene heater. I listen to Metallica and my dogs would eat any feline critter unfortunate enough to live here. 

I’m certain there are guidelines and bylaws to follow for becoming a real writer. Since I remain convinced that my neighbor pilfered my orientation materials, I’ll have to wing it. If you see me peering in his window, please don’t call the police. I’m only trying to peek at the manual. There’s always hope for next year.




I originally wrote this post for the humor blog, An Army of Ermas, in November of 2010. A cat has since joined our family, and I am happy to report that he hasn't been eaten by the dogs. The DOGS, however, have learned to watch their backs. 

Quotes for Determined Writers

Talent and the sheer determination to see it through are on my mind today. There are talented individuals around the globe. Most of them have never been published. Some of them don't care. Others do. A lot. 

It's a common theme among the writerly folk I know. Submissions, rejections, fear, self-doubt, self-loathing, a little jealously from time-to-time, wounded pride -- they are all part of the package deal. 

Many of us monitor the musings of rock-star literary agents as if their words are golden. In truth, they are. At least if we want to be published the old-fashioned way. 

In today's post, I decided I would share some of my favorite quotes. Some of them feel like a kick to the gut. Others lift me up until I am floating. I think it's healthy to have an equal measure of each. Dreams with some reality mixed in to keep me from flying off into outer space. 

I hope you find some of these useful.

____________________

People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character - Ralph Waldo Emerson

You are what you say most often. Really. 

If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary - Jim Rohn

Be courageous, or make peace with banal work.

“It has been my observation that most people get ahead during the time that others waste.” - Henry Ford

Even the dull and unschooled get published. You know it, and I know it. Combine talent with determination, and you will produce fruit. Maybe your grape isn’t the orange that you wanted, but grapes make better wine -- in time.

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." - Hunter S. Thompson 

Don't try to be anyone other than who you are. If you're a freak, dig on it and let 'er rip. If you're not a freak, don't pretend that you are. Everyone will know, and that beautiful authenticity that is uniquely yours will be lost.

"The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say."  - Anaïs Nin

Good writers are able to see the ordinary in a way that few can. They daydream, see animal shapes growing in the kudzu and assign convincing personalities to inanimate objects. They asses a problematic situation and offer a solution that no one thought of (or was courageous enough to write about!) before.The trick, with all this creativity and determination, is also having the ability to explain those discoveries to others and have them really get it. 

"And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise.  The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt."  - Sylvia Plath

Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re a bad writer. Unless you really are. In that case, find out what you're doing wrong, listen when others offer constructive criticism, work even harder and don’t give up. Being offended by criticism is pointless, unless the other person is being downright mean. In that case, kick him in the shins, tell him he's a jerk and then get back to work.

"Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass."  - Anton Chekhov

After hearing “Show, don’t tell” a hundred thousand times, it eventually sinks in. A dull read tells you that a car is driving down the road. An engaging one dares you to experience the chugging motor that vibrates the foot on the gas pedal, the maddening patter of the rain on the windshield and the uncomfortable pinch of the seatblelt.

"If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood.  I'd type a little faster."  - Isaac Asimov

If you’re nodding your head in agreement, face it -- you are a writer. You’re not a person who writes. You’re a blood-and-bone writer. You are one of an enviable lot.

"Almost every wise saying has an opposite one, no less wise, to balance it." - George Santayana 

And if you don’t like any of these quotes, just hang on for a bit. Others will come along in a minute to support the opposite theories in an effective manner. 

Be bold. Be courageous. Be diligent. 

Now, go forth and be brilliant!  *Muah! XO

:-)